(no subject)

happy new year

for some reason i dont feel all too happy i kind of feel depressed for some reason. these people that were my best friends at the beginning of last year but we kind of drifted and i mean i did kind of seperate myself from them but now i'm best friends w. this other girl n i get along great with her and i feel really close to her and now i feel like the other people dont really like me and i never did anything bad to them and the one that at one point i was the closest with, i talked to last night and we had a pretty good convo. and i asked her if she wanted to come over for new years bc i was going to have a few people over but then she said she wasnt sure because a few people asked her to hang out and then today when i asked her if she was coming she said she was having a few people over because she didnt think that i was definitely having it but then she didnt even invite me over? after she was like you can come if you want but why would i want to go after not being invited before i dont know why but it just really hurts. i also definitely gained a ton of weight over vacation and i think i'm gonna attempt a liquid diet for as long as i can but i dont know if it'll actually work

stay strong

(no subject)

tonight was horrible i don't know what is wrong with me i mean i was doing pretty good and then during this week i got stressed n cut a tiny bit and they today i kind of had a break down it was a little scary and i cut a lot and used a razor blade for the very first time and i think that shows that i was in really bad shape but it's pretty much figured out now and getting better..i have this like anxiety thing with staying home on nights i usually go out during i feel left behind and like unpopular and i hate it..like none of the things with any of the guys that like me worked out and idk if that was because i was supposed to call them or something but it just hurt a lot because i feel like everytime i get close to a guy i like it just kind of ends and i dont know what to do after and i binged soooooo much today it was soo horrible i ate a bowl of cereal 8 oreos chips n dip cheese doodles ooh n i had a starbucks latte this morning too which is like soo many calories
today when i was having my panick attacks i felt like i was going crazy..if anyone that i go to school with found out about all the stuff i do they would be soo scared of me w. the cuttig anorexia bulimia depression it is kind of scary sometimes but only when i feel like i cant control it but thats where my bad habits help me and if i gave them up i know that my stress and depression would be much worse because i would know that i didnt have any escape from the pain i was feeling and nothing to take my mind off of it
sometimes i feel so alone and lost and theres nothing that can help me and then i cant breathe i feel soo gross right now and im gonna have to wear long sleeves for kindve a while until the scars heal thats the annoying thing about my bad habits theyre soo hard to hide im hopeing that everything will be all better by tomorrow
well gonna go
xo
  • Current Mood
    tired tired

(no subject)

wow did soo good today i ate 600 cals which is ehh but then i did like hard core working out for at least 2 hrs im soo proud of myself i just need to keep the working out up i think it's why its been taking me soo long to lose weight soo we'll see i just gotta stay strong im soo tired soo gonna go
xo
  • Current Mood
    exhausted exhausted

(no subject)

ewww i ate sooo much today ahhhhh i have to not eat for like the next 3 days

i feel soo bad when i reject guys ahh i feel soo mean but i really like this guy and i wanna see if anything more can happen w. him but then 3 other guys openly like me and idk what to do about them bc i feel really bad saying no n unless im going out w. the other guy its mean if i say no to them n yea i no its not like bad to say no if i dont wanna be anything w. them but i still feel bad bc i think i have a habit of flirting and leading them on but i love being loved soo i cant help it i like it too much its a huge self esteem boost that i need

well gotta go
xo

(no subject)

i feel like i ate soo much today but when i came home i was soo hungry i had to eat i had all these cravings soo i ended up eating 400 cals in like a half an hr ughhh soo annoying plus im going to end up not doing so well on thanksgiving obviously unless i were to fake a stomach ached but thatd be pure torture smelling the food but not eating it ahhh thanksgiving the least liked holiday by all anorexics ...even now im getting cravings for such fatty stuff everything relates to food especially in class bc i cant entertain myself there i need to find away to keep up my determination to lose weight and ive been doing better lately and ive been happier lately its been a pretty long time since i last cut i havent been getting those urges to cut... but anyways i gotta go now im sooo tired
  • Current Mood
    tired tired

(no subject)

i did ok today i ate about 600 cals maybe a lil less my family has noticed that ive lost a lil weight but i still havent lost enough i hate feeling like im the heaviest one in pics with my friends n even tho i might not always be the heaviest in the pic all that i see is the fatness of my body...whenever im walking in school i always think about how everyone there doesnt know a lot of things about me n i dont think theyd ever guess i do some of the things i do..once some of my friends were taking pics and trying to look emo in them and they referred to cutting and were laughing about it, it was so awkward i thought i was gonna cry bc how could they laugh like that about something they know nothing about..this place is so great for venting soo while im at it the group of people i was the most close with are starting to seperate and i feel kind of bored when im with them and i feel really bad that i do but when i hang out with other people i end up having more fun usually and my other friends end up pissing me off a lot lately but were still pretty close but its not the same as it used to be i think we were too close at one point and thats why it fell apart so easily bc its easy to get mad the people youre always with like sibling rivalry but anyways things arent too bad off at the moment tho especially guy wise haha but i hate how guys can hook up with whoever they want and can hook up with as many girls as they want and its like the more they do the more popular they are but with girls you get called a slut for barely doing anything which really pisses me off because thats totally not fair but im dealing with it..ooh and i just got contacts sooo happy shedding more of my uglyness i mean i tryed to wear my glasses the least amount of time i could but i was always like half blind theyre soo hard to get used to tho it takes fucking forever to put them in bc im not used to them yet....dont u love getting compliments? theyre like the best things ever they boost ur self esteem and help u get thru the day as well as letting u know that the effort u put into getting ready was well worth it especially when its a complement from a guy those r the best

well stay strong and think thin n happy whoever reads this if anybody does
xo
  • Current Music
    beautiful love - the afters

(no subject)

i just had a great weekend soo many good things happened n i think i may have lost another pound but i still need to lose a lot more i hope ill be able to stay strong and become thin

(no subject)

good newss i just went to the dr n i asked him to weigh me n i lost 4 pounds n its not much but its something for now

thinking thin
xo

(no subject)

im doing better today i only ate 300 hundred cals for now at least
i need to lose more weight but for some reason im having a lot of trouble losing even tho i cut my cals in like half

(no subject)

heyy guyss

i just got this journal thing n i dont totally no how to use it soo im trying to catch on fast..but anywas i binged soo much today ughh does anybody have any suggestions for preventing binging?

xo